Everything you need to know about Registry weddings

Celebrants’ Association of New Zealand

WHAT IS A REGISTRY CEREMONY?

A guide for couples to understand the criteria for a registry ceremony

The following checklist outlines what ‘is’ and what ‘is not’ a Registry Ceremony. Approved ‘Registry Celebrants’ are listed on the Births, Deaths & Marriages (BDM) website when you apply for your Registry Ceremony marriage licence. The registry celebrant must follow set criteria in officiating a ‘Registry Ceremony’ – these are outlined below.

If what you want does not tick all the right boxes, you need to discuss your needs for a personalised ceremony with your celebrant. It can still be very simple, but allows the celebrant to charge an appropriate fee for time and travel and allows you more choice as to the day, time and location.

If you CAN tick all the bullet points below, it is a registry ceremony – go ahead.
If you CAN’T – please discuss your needs for a personalised ceremony with your celebrant.

THE CRITERIA OF A REGISTRY CEREMONY:

A registry ceremony is a simple, civil, legal ceremony with a fixed standard script and set vows.

It should be held during business hours and excludes weekends and public holidays.

Registry ceremonies cannot be booked in advance of the three- month licence period. If you (the couple) wish to do this, you need to book a personalised ceremony.

Only you (the couple) can communicate with the registry celebrant regarding your ceremony date, time and venue, not other family members or friends.

It can be officiated at your (the couple’s) home, the celebrant’s home/office or at another agreed location in the community. The venue must be within 10 – 15 minutes of the celebrant’s home/ work address.

Maximum of 20 guests including the celebrant and two witnesses, although some celebrants or venues may limit the number of guests to even less.

30 minutes is allowed for both the ceremony and the administration – it is likely to take less time than that.

You (the couple) do not meet the celebrant prior to the ceremony. You can expect to communicate with your celebrant by phone and/ or email to confirm the date, time venue, script, inclusion of ring exchange and payment method.

A registry ceremony is not personalised, so making the arrangements should be simple.

You need to pay the $90 fee to the celebrant in advance or in cash on the day – the celebrant will advise you of their preferred payment method and time frame.

The celebrant cannot charge you (the couple) any additional fees, such as travel. This is not permitted in the provision of this simple, civil, legal service.

You (the couple) need to provide proof of identity with photo identification (passport, drivers licences or other certified documentation).

The ceremony is usually delivered in spoken English. Should you (the couple) require NZSL or prefer
the Māori version, you will need to discuss this with the celebrant when booking the ceremony. You (the couple) are then required

to provide an interpreter if the celebrant, couple or witnesses
do not understand NZSL, Māori
or English. The interpreter is required to sign the Declaration for translating a marriage or civil union ceremony.

It is NOT a registry ceremony when:

There are photographers, videographers, music and installations which are typical features of a personalised ceremony. This was not permitted at the registry office or courthouse.

A personalised ceremony needs to be booked if there are more than 20 guests and/or it is to be held at a wedding venue.

It is scheduled to be held on a weekend or public holiday or more than three months in advance of the licence being issued.

The celebrant must travel a significant distance. They cannot charge a travel fee, so if you are asking them to travel more than 10 – 15 minutes, you’ll need to change to a personalised ceremony.

Booking your Celebrant

It is preferable to ring the celebrant to check they are available on the day and time you wish to be married (week days only, excluding weekends & public holidays).

Remember, you need to travel to the celebrant or check they are happy to travel a short distance to your location. Celebrants will identify their preference on their BDM listing.

Allow plenty of time on the day

It is important to be punctual. Celebrants do have other work and other clients and may not be able to officiate your ceremony if you are not on time. In busy city areas, do allow for traffic and ensure you, your guests and witnesses have arrived to the arranged venue at least 15 minutes early.

Changing over to a ‘personalised ceremony’

You and your registry celebrant are limited by the above criteria for a registry ceremony. Discuss the style and tone of the ceremony you want with your celebrant. It may be that a personalised ceremony is required. In this case, your licence will be amended by the celebrant at no extra cost and you can agree an appropriate fee for service with your celebrant for a personalised ceremony.

If a registry ceremony is changed to a personalised ceremony, the celebrant will notify BDM of this change to ensure the ‘type of ceremony’ is recorded accurately.

Cancellation

If you (the couple) cancel within 24 hours of your booked time for a registry ceremony, the celebrant may keep the $90 fee as they have held this time aside for you.

Other considerations

A Winter Wedding at Whangamata Beach?

As I’m sitting here in the sweltering heat of a late-January afternoon, preparing for a wedding on beautiful Whangamata beach in a few days’ time, I’m wondering why more people don’t consider having a beach wedding in the winter months. I know it’s hard to think about winter while we are enjoying this summer heatwave, but there are plenty of advantages to off-season weddings, especially if you don’t want to wait too long.

Sure, a summer beach wedding is a magical event, but there are definite drawbacks:

·      The most obvious is, it can be hot ... VERY HOT! Today we are looking at 32 degrees. Think sweat trickling down your body and legs, damp patches on your dream dress, frizzy hair, and your makeup sliding down your face (which is becoming redder by the minute).

·      Shelter is often non-existent. Your guests will be standing on the sand waiting for the wedding to kick off. “Fashionably late” takes on a whole different meaning when your guests are melting. Think sunburn, heat exhaustion and dehydration. Not to mention the ever-present sandflies, midges and mozzies.

·      There are only so many layers of clothes you and your guests can remove without getting arrested!

·      That harsh summer light can be a challenge for your photographer.

·      Last but not least, a beach is a public place, and even though you have your permit from the council there may still be people sunbathing, swimming and playing beach cricket right by where you are having your ceremony.

Which is not to say you shouldn’t get married by the water in the middle of summer. Of course it will be wonderful. BUT ... there are some real upsides to doing it in the WINTER:

·      It’s cheaper. Vendors will often offer discounts for off-season weddings.

·      You’ll have a better chance of scoring your dream vendors without having to book them years in advance.

·      You’ll get stunning pics. There’s nothing like that moody winter light.

·      If you’ve got a yearning to wear fur (fake or ethical of course), now is your chance.

·      How about a velvet wedding gown? The ultimate in opulence.

·      It’s easy for your guests to add layers of clothing to suit the conditions, and you could have some throws handy if extra warmth is needed.

·      And, you’ll probably have the beach pretty much to yourselves.

As with any outdoor wedding, you will need to have an alternative venue sorted in case the weather doesn’t come to the party. But that can happen regardless of the season. Rain is a feature of our climate, summer and winter, and the wind may howl and the waves crash just as loudly whatever the time of year.

Outdoor wedding checklist:

Summertime and outdoor weddings go hand in hand. If the outdoor ceremony is linked to your party venue then you shouldn't have any issues, but if you're planning to have your ceremony at a separate location such as a beach or public reserve, here are some things to think about:

1. Who will set up the chairs, signing table, arch and aisle carpet? If you are hiring the gear, your hire-company may have people to help set up.

2. Who will pack down? Do you really want your guests to be dragging chairs and flower-covered arches off the beach or reserve? Again, having a team on hand to do moving for you will take the stress away from you.

3. If your ceremony is on a beach or council reserve, you may need to apply for their permission, especially if you're erecting an archway or similar. Allow plenty of time for this, as bureaucracy can move slowly. You may get away without it, but it protects you from someone else turning up at the same time, same place to have their own wedding. Not a good look for a stress-free day!

4. What's the go with serving food and alcohol? Many public places have rules against serving booze onsite, but there is generally an exemption for sufficient to toast the bride and groom. Another reason to get council approval, if you don't want to be arrested on your wedding day!

5. Love the idea of a beach wedding? Remember to check the tides well in advance of printing your invitations –– unless you want your guests to be paddling in the shallows while you say 'I do', or your wedding photos to show acres of mudflats instead of blue water. And remember, ocean beaches are noisy, so you may need a PA system even for a small wedding if you want to be heard over the sound of crashing waves and wind. Ask your celebrant if they have one.

6. Be sure to have a Plan B in case in case the weather is less than ideal. Wind can be just as much as problem as rain. (You will need to have a Plan B location when you apply for your marriage licence). And how will you let your guests know if there's a sudden change in location? Consider setting up an email group so you can notify guests at the click of a button, and advise guests of this possibility on your invitations. (And don't forget to tell your celebrant too.)

7. If it's likely to be hot, do you have any shelter? Can you make use of trees, or will you need a canopy, or parasols? And though it's okay for the bride to be a teensy bit late to the ceremony, try not to keep your guests melting in the sun for too long. They won't be happy if they're sweaty and sunburnt.

8. Is your location easily accessible? It pays to consider whether your guests – particularly the elderly, the very young, or the less mobile – will be able to traverse the beach or bush necessary to reach the ceremony. Tip: warn your guests to wear suitable footwear. It can be a good idea to have a bucket of flipflops handy for anyone who needs to make a quick change.

9. What happens after the ceremony? Will the guests stick around while you have your photos taken, or will they head to a different location for the party? Your Emcee or celebrant can let them know what's expected.

10. Beaches and council reserves are public places. That means the public have as much right to be there as you do. Though most people will be respectful of your special day, you can't stop them from their natural enjoyment of the place. And be prepared that people will gather to watch your ceremony – after all, everyone loves a wedding!

The what and why of naming ceremonies . . .

Now that fewer babies and young children are being christened in a traditional church ceremony, naming ceremonies have become popular as a non-religious alternative.

Why have a naming ceremony?

·      A naming ceremony is an opportunity to introduce your new arrival to family and friends

·      It can also be used to welcome a step-child or adopted child into your whānau

·      It is a way of acknowledging that it takes a village to raise a child, and the people you invite are your ‘village’

·      It affirms the new phase of life you are entering after the long months of pregnancy and the excitement and challenge of birthing.

What happens in a naming ceremony?

There are no prescribed rules or rituals. What you do is entirely up to you. You can organise and conduct it yourself, or you can ask a celebrant to conduct it for you. Using a celebrant will allow you to relax and enjoy the occasion, and you can tap into their experience of ceremonies and rituals to make for a really special occasion.

Some options you may wish to include:

·      plant a tree or shrub

·      create a memory book for people to write messages

·      light a candle

·      include a poem or reading

·      explain the significance of the name you have chosen

·      invite a guest to be your child’s ‘guide-parent’

·      welcome your new arrival with music or a song

·      share your promises to your child of your commitment to them and their future

·      engage a photographer to record this special event

Do I have to use a registered celebrant?

No, you don’t. As there are no legal requirements for a naming ceremony, anyone can conduct one, but most people choose to have a celebrant to write and arrange the ceremony and lead the proceedings on the day.

How to choose your celebrant …

Choosing the right celebrant is a critical part of your wedding planning, and one that you need to do earlier rather than later. Celebrants are often booked up way in advance, especially during the busy wedding season between Labour Weekend and Easter.

Celebrants are as varied as the couples they are marrying, so it’s important to find one who is a good fit for you, and for the style of wedding you are envisaging. You may find the right one straightaway, or you may need to contact several before you find one who resonates with you. You may already have a firm idea of whether you want male or female, younger or more mature, funny or serious, straight or gay, and so on. Asking around for recommendations can be a good start. And checking out their website is also a good way to get a first impression and decide if you want to follow up with a phone call or email. Then, if that’s promising, an interview in person or online will be the next step.

Once you have narrowed down your choices, here are some questions to ask your potential celebrant:

·      How much do you charge? This is usually the first question couples ask, and the fees can vary greatly depending on the celebrant’s experience and popularity. But bear in mind, regardless of what they charge your celebrant will probably be one of your smaller wedding expenses. You will most likely pay way more for your cake than your celebrant, even though a celebrant is essential whereas a cake is not!

·      What is included in your fee? Does it include as many meetings as required to get your ceremony sorted? Will they organise/attend a rehearsal? Can you contact them any time you have questions or need help? Are there any add-on charges such as travel time?

·      Do they require a deposit? How much? When is it payable? Is it refundable or non-refundable? What is their cancellation policy if your wedding date has to be cancelled or changed for any reason?

·      Do they have a sound system for ceremony music and microphone? If so, is this included in their fee, or is there an additional charge?

·      Do they provide a table and chair for signing the documents? This may not be so important if your ceremony is at a venue, but if it is at a beach or other outdoor venue (separate to the reception venue) then this will be one less thing for you to worry about if they do.

·      Do they belong to the Celebrants Association of NZ (CANZ)? The Celebrants Association is a professional body which requires all its members to adhere to a code of ethics, and which promotes ongoing education and professional development. Membership gives you a kind of quality control assurance.

·      Do they do multiple weddings in one day? This is not necessarily a problem, but you want to ensure that there is sufficient time between ceremonies so the celebrant doesn’t have to rush your ceremony.

·      How long have they been a celebrant and how many weddings do they do in an average year? This gives you an idea of how experienced they are, but don’t rule out new celebrants with little experience, as this may be compensated by their freshness and enthusiasm.

·      What steps will they take to personalise your ceremony? You don’t want to feel as though they trot out the same old ceremony for everyone and have just filled in the blanks with your names.

·      Are they amenable to making their clothing fit in with your colour palette or your theme? You may want them to wear dark or unobtrusive colours so they don’t stand out in the photos. Or you may not want them to wear the same colour as your bridesmaids or groomsmen, but neither do you want them to clash. If your wedding is boho or if it’s black tie, you may want your celebrant’s outfit to reflect this theme.

·      Do they listen to your ideas for your ceremony and adapt to them, or do they try to impose their own opinions on you? Having been involved in many weddings, your celebrant will be a great source of ideas and suggestions, but ultimately it is your day, your way. If they don’t like your ideas, find someone who does.

·      Are they willing to share a draft of your ceremony with you? Even if want the ceremony to be a surprise package, they should check they have their facts correct, especially with respect to names, dates, places and sharing your story.  Alternatively, you may want to check the ceremony word-for-word. Your celebrant should be happy to run with whatever you prefer.

·      Will they help you with writing your vows, and with suggestions for readings/poems to include in your ceremony? A good celebrant should be able to give you examples of traditional and modern vows, and hints for writing your own, as well as a selection of suitable readings or poems to give you some inspiration.

·      Do they have a back-up plan if they are sick on the day? Celebrants will generally soldier on regardless, but sometimes bad stuff happens. You don’t want your celebrant to become the next COVID super-spreader!

·      Why can’t I just ask my aunty or best friend to be our celebrant? Unlike in the USA where anyone can pay $20 and be ordained as a celebrant, in New Zealand there is a strict procedure which must be followed before someone can be registered as a celebrant. This is set down by the Dept of Internal Affairs, and they want to ensure celebrants are suitable for and dedicated to the role––they don’t want to approve one-ceremony-wonders!

Getting married in NZ if you're from overseas:

Did you know that if you get married in New Zealand and return overseas, or one or both partners are not New Zealanders, depending on your domicile country, you may need to get your marriage certificate apostilled or authenticated?

An apostille or authentication is an official government certificate that proves the signature, stamp or seal on a document is genuine. In New Zealand, this process is managed by the Department of Internal Affairs (DIA).

Here’s what you need to know to ensure your documents are completed properly and on time.

#WeddingsinNZ

#NZCelebrant

#WeddingCelebrant

#CANZ

#VCANZ

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Unplugged weddings

Thinking about having an ‘unplugged’ wedding?

What is an unplugged wedding?

An unplugged wedding is when you decide you would prefer if your guests do not take photos and/or upload them to social media.

There are many variations on this. Sometimes the ‘unplugged’ is for the ceremony only, but guests are free to take photos during the reception. But sometimes there may be a strict ‘No Photos’ policy for the entire wedding celebration.

If photos are allowed, guests may be asked not to post anything on social media until the bride and groom have made their own posts. Or, guests may be asked to post nothing at all – after all, no one wants potentially unflattering photos posted of one of the most important days of their life!

What’s the problem with guests taking a few photos?

·      For starters, if cameras/phones are turned off, your guests will be fully present in the ceremony, which you have gone to much trouble and expense to organise.

·      You will also have most likely paid a significant amount of money for a photographer, and possibly a videographer, to take professional photos. These will turn out way better than Aunty Mildred’s snaps.

·      If everyone is waving their phones in the air for snaps and selfies, this can get in the way of the professional shots. It is no fun (and not always possible) to photoshop out these unwelcome intrusions.

·      Not everyone is happy to have their images splashed on social media, especially if they are unflattering. An ‘unplugged’ policy is respectful of your and your guests’ privacy.

·      Your guests are more likely to interact and chat with each other if they are not constantly checking their phones.

The downside of unplugged:

If it takes a long time for the official photos to come through, it leaves you with very little to share with people immediately after the wedding, when it’s fresh in their minds. You could ask your photographer to send you a ‘sneak peak’ of unedited photos as soon as possible, so you have some to share.

A photo booth can be a fun way for guests to have a photo memento of the day to take away with them.

How to tell your guests:

You could include a brief note on your invitations, along the lines of: “We invite you to be truly present at our ceremony, and respectfully request that all cameras and phones be turned off. We look forward to sharing our professional photos with you after the big day.”

Or, have a sign at the ceremony and/or reception, asking guests to switch off.

Your celebrant can also politely pass on this request when they ask guests to assemble prior to the ceremony.

Congratulations! You're Married! Now what?

So your wedding has been and gone and you’ve promised to love, cherish, honour (and so on) each other for the rest of your days. Now what? After all the planning and excitement of THE BIG DAY, it can feel like rather an anti-climax. Let’s face it: while married life can have wonderful highs, and sometimes awful lows (not too many, we hope), most of the time it falls somewhere in the middle, in OK-land. And will your relationship be any different to how it was before?  If you’ve been living together for ages before you marry, nothing will really change. Right? The answer is: Yes ... No ... Maybe ...

Here are ten things you might not know about being married:

1. For starters, you will now be able to talk about each other as ‘my husband’ or ‘my wife’, which tells the world that you are married. This will change the way other people look at you and your relationship. You will be viewed not only as individuals, you will also be viewed as a unit – a married couple. And, rightly or wrongly, people will make assumptions about you based on that.

2. Next time you have an argument, you’ll realise you can’t just walk away from it. If your relationship is going to last, you need to resolve issues when they arise. Sometimes, in the day-to-day ordinariness of dishes, dinners, nappies and Netflix, you may wonder if you really have what it takes for the long haul. You’ll look at your future differently, knowing that the decades ahead will be filled with this person, and conflicts between you will take on a new dimension.

3. Marriage won’t automatically ‘fix’ any problems you have in your relationship. In fact it may make those problems more marked. And they lived happily ever after ... exists in fairy tales, not real life. Marriage isn’t a magical solution to anything; in fact, it’s another responsibility that you take on when you say your vows. That’s not to say that it isn’t really rewarding — it is — but sometimes it’s also hard. Marriage is like any other part of life: imperfect and complicated — even when it’s also really good.

4. Your spouse is your lover, but they’re also your flatmate, and those little annoyances like leaving the top off the toothpaste, the toilet seat up, and slurping the orange juice, will still be just as irritating. Maybe even more so.

5. You’re not just marrying your partner, you’re marrying their whole family. Love them or loathe them, they are now a part of your lives. You’ll have to learn to negotiate the needs of your spouse’s family alongside those of your own parents and siblings. Working this out can be complicated, but it’s worth the effort, for all of you.

6. Your marriage will have bad days as well as great days. Sometimes, you’ll have days when being married is not your happy place. But you’ll also have days when it is your happiest place in the world, and you’ll think it was the best decision you ever made. Both of these days are going to happen, and both are OK. In fact, knowing that there are good days ahead can help to get you through the bad ones; one bad day here and there doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage.

7. Being together is great, but sometimes you may need your own space. This is okay! Sometimes it’s just really nice to be on your own, doing your own thing. It doesn’t mean you love each other any less. If you make space for each other when it’s needed, the together times feel even better.

8. The idea that ‘love means never having to say you’re sorry’ belongs in the movies, which is where it came from (does anyone still remember Love Story?). There will be times when you let each other down. Apologise, forgive, and try to do better in future.

9. In the flurry and fun of organising your wedding, you may have overlooked some of the fundamentals of a shared future, like: how you manage your finances, whether or not you want children, what your values and your long-term goals are. After the wedding these issues will still be there, only more so.

10. Finally, I truly believe marriage is one of our most wonderful institutions. It’s no accident that we have a combined department of Births, Deaths and Marriages. These are the three most significant thresholds in our lives. We have no control over the first two; marriage is the only one that we ‘enter into freely’, and whereas birth and death and your wedding are all particular and special events, your marriage is an on-going process. Marriage is a cornerstone of being human, and all cultures have a version of it. Ultimately, it gives the two of you a shared history that is special and unique. You will have your own in-jokes, your own secret signals, the things that make you both laugh, and the things that make you cry. These things, and so much more, are what make marriage so totally worth it!

Another unique "registry office" wedding ...

The Karangahake Gorge was the location for my latest “registry office” wedding. So much nicer than at the courthouse. Registry office weddings are now conducted by a local celebrant at a mutually agreed location. Short and simple, but still special and stylish. And perfectly suited to our current situation. I love love love conducting these ceremonies.

How long is the average wedding ceremony?

This is a question that many couples ask. And the answer is ... it depends! And, of course, there is no such thing as an ‘average’ wedding. Every wedding is special and unique.

But, knowing how long your ceremony will be is important for the timing of the rest of your celebration, so you can work out how the the whole day/evening will flow, including when and where your post-ceremony photos will be taken, what time the reception will start, and so on.

So, here goes:

The length of the ceremony will depend, firstly, on the type of ceremony you are having.

If you’re having a registry office wedding, (which are now all outsourced to selected local celebrants at a venue you mutually agree on), the standard ceremony takes about ten minutes. There are two options available (in both English and te reo Māori). Add in some chat time at the beginning and end, as it’s now much more relaxed than when they were processed in a government registry office.

If you’re having a religious ceremony, the length of the ceremony is normally prescribed by tradition. (Some of them can be quite long!) Or if you’re having something like a Wican wedding, or a ceremony tied to a particular culture, then different timings will apply depending on the accepted rituals and words.

What I’m talking about here, though, is a celebrant-led, non-religious ceremony. And there are various things that affect the length of this type of ceremony. Your celebrant will help you to work out the details and timing exactly, but in the meantime here are some pointers:

·      Where and when is your ceremony taking place? This can influence the length of your ceremony. If you’re having an outdoor wedding – standing on the beach in the heat of summer, or on a wind-blown paddock late-autumn or winter – then it pays to keep it to no more than half an hour, or your guests may expire from the heat or cold! Likewise, if you’re planning your ceremony to coincide with sunset, or sunrise (yes, I’ve officiated a dawn wedding and it was beautiful!), then timing is critical for photos, and so that your celebrant has enough light to read the words!

·      Venue or local restrictions – if you’ve applied to use a public place, there may be a specified time you have permission to use it for.

·      If you’re hiring a venue just for the ceremony, you may be paying for a particular time slot.

·      People’s attention span – This is an important one! People start to get twitchy after about half-in-hour of sitting in one spot and concentrating. If you want to keep your guests engaged for the whole ceremony, be mindful of the time it will take. Changes of pace and speakers will help keep things interesting. Your celebrant will help you with how to fit everything in. The main components of any ceremony are, unsurprisingly: A beginning (the welcome), a middle (vows, rings, and sign the paperwork), and an end (Yay, we’re married!). And in between you may choose to add in a reading (or two), some music, and other rituals.

So, ultimately, although the short answer to the question: how long is a wedding ceremony? is: it can be as short or as long as you like ... I find most of mine fit into around the 30 minute mark, give or take.